There’s no stigma in admitting you yearn for friends
It happens. Usually in middle age. You look around and realise the tectonic plates of your life have shifted. Where, oh where, have all your friends gone?
If you’re young and buzzy you may be refuting this. You’ve got loads of friends — all those followers on Facebook and Instagram. All those texts with chummy emojis. But actually, according to recent research, that’s not entirely true. More about that later.
The truth is that, over the rolling decades from childhood to old age, life will be hurling missiles at you, and connections with many friends will become fractured. The deadliest are the Three-Ds: Death, Divorce and Disagreements. They can certainly knock a few individuals off your friendship shelf — some sadly missed, others just fading away.
Of course, you’ll make acquaintances along the way. If you’re a parent, your children will spawn friends and you’ll find yourself mixing with other parents, some of whom you’ll genuinely like. Hours spent watching football training or ballet rehearsals will be softened by a bit of banter which hopefully will be kept light. Many of these friendships will peter out if the young change friendship groups or move on to different schools. But usually, they will have been positive experiences.
Juggling children, partner and domestic maintenance with full time work is tricky, and it’s hard to fit in the time to nurture friendships. There’s also the issue that your partner may not like your friends or even your family for that matter. Life isn’t always as cosy as Four Weddings and a Funeral or, dare I say it, Friends.
So, the day will come, when the kids have left for college, your bestie has found a new partner 400 miles away, and the dog has died. You look around and wonder “Where have all my friends gone?”
You may console yourself by the knowledge that you have a partner, but let’s be honest — many people in marriages still feel something is missing. According to a survey carried out by the AARP in 2018, 31 percent of adults over the ages of 45, married or with partners, report feeling lonely.
Is that the fault of your partner or a reflection of a bad marriage? Not necessarily. Wouldn’t it be asking too much of one person to fulfill all our needs?
And yes, going back to the young — a recent survey in the UK by the Onward think tank’s Age of Alienation report showed that one fifth of adults between the ages of 18 and 35 say they only have one or no close friends. Instagram followers don’t count. They mean REAL friends.
In addition, loneliness, apart from making us feel sad and unworthy, also has a huge impact on our health. If you want a thriving, vibrant life you need human connections. We’re social creatures gaining energy and joy from each other. We need to nurture that.
So, what do we do when we come to the conclusion that we just need more friends? There are strategic steps and changes in our mind sets that can help us move forward and make a concerted effort to start again.
Accept that You Can Never Make New Old Friends
We need to accept that we can’t revisit the innocence and spontaneity of youthful friendships. The shared memories of childish giggles as seven year olds, scoffing midnight feasts under the bedcovers, stays with an old friendship forever. But it can’t be recreated. That was then, this is now. We need to accept that this is a new phase in our lives and restructure our conception of how new friendships should look.
Don’t Give Labels
Remember the days when, as a child you would list your friends and how important they were to you? Jaimie was your Best Best Friend, Harry was your Second Best Friend, and so it went on. Even then it changed — often in a matter of weeks. We need to move on.
As we go about our daily lives we interact with many people. Our work colleagues, the old man at the newsstand, the gardener who mows the lawn every two weeks, the receptionist at the dentist who you know has two poodles. You would probably not list these people as friends, but they are still part of your life. Each interaction enriches your existence, brings conversation and human connection into your sphere. We chat, we smile. It makes us feel good.
Embrace New Friendships
Sometimes it’s easy to romanticise past events and view old friendships through rose-tinted glasses. We need to remind ourselves that many past friendships weren’t perfect and some may have reached their ‘sell by’ date. If the connection has gone then there’s no point in hammering away at them. This could be the time to decide what you want and what you don’t want from friendships.
New friends can be formed at any age and each one will vary in benefits and joys. Some friendships may be based on mutual support, such as feeding your pal’s cat, collecting each other’s children from school, giving them a lift to the doctor. Others will be deeper connections with shared views on life and sense of humour. Laughter is a great sealer of friendships.
Be Open to Magic
Meeting someone you immediately bond with is a rare and wonderful thing. At any stage in life, we will meet people who make us feel good and those who drain us. Summed up perfectly in this poem:
Isn’t it strange some people make you feel so tired inside
Your thoughts begin to shrivel up like leaves all brown and dried
But when you’re with some other ones it’s stranger still to find
Your thoughts as thick as fireflies all shiny in your mind!
by Rachel Field
Seek out the people who give you energy. No matter what your age or your circumstances, there will always be people who will make you feel alive. Don’t waste your time with people who have a negative effect upon you.
It’s Not Shameful to Admit You’re Lonely
It’s important to overcome the feeling that somehow there’s something wrong with us if we’re lonely. That’s not true. Confessing to feeling lonely doesn’t make us unworthy, just as saying we don’t have a love in our life doesn’t make us undesirable. It’s just the way life has panned out. The best thing you can say to yourself is: “Yes, I’m lonely” and then decide if you want to actively do something about it.
People Are Waking Up to Loneliness
Over recent years dating apps have revolutionised the way of finding a love interest. Anything ranging from a bit of fun to long-term relationships. Although in the past people would wrinkle their noses up at them, these apps such as Tinder, have now become the norm. They’re great for seeking out romance but come with a downside. When there are endless possibilities sitting on your mobile phone why bother to go out and socialise? This has a knock-on effect on society in general. Less socialising — less scope to meet platonic friends.
So if you can’t beat them, join them. Finally the producers of apps have cottoned on to the fact that there’s a huge market for people wishing to meet platonic friends. Bumble in Britain has a friendship section Bumble BFF which has grown by 44 percent for women and 83 percent for men in the first three months of this year. This is a great move and hopefully many more apps will follow.
And your age doesn’t matter. You can make new friends at any time in your life. We need to drop the stigma surrounding admitting we’re lonely. You’re really not alone.
And finally, remember the words of William Yeats:
There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t yet met.
