Recently I went to the funeral of my great friend’s mother. She was 92. A ‘good innings’ as we say in England. That term is all to do with cricket, but then Sheila never did play cricket, or at least not to my knowledge.
But she did do a huge number of other things. She spoke numerous languages, worked as a translator, became an expert in embroideries throughout the world, writing books and travelling far and wide into her seventies. Alone on dusty trails in the middle east, invisible as an older woman – a small bottle of unmarked gin in her rucksack, to add to her tonic in the evenings. Always with a mission and an interest in the world. A full and vibrant life.
The service took place in the village church where I grew up. It brought back poignant memories of attending Sunday school (only for the colourful stamps, I confess), giggling through midnight mass services at Christmas, Sheila’s husband’s funeral, and the successive weddings of her daughters.
I sat next to another old friend near the back of the church, and we whispered our joint memories before the service began. My friend talked about her own mother who was nearing the end of her life and it struck me, for the umpteenth time, how like her own mother she looked and acted. This wouldn’t normally be particularly remarkable apart from the fact that my friend is adopted, as is her sister. The unfathomable fact is that she, the older sister, is the splitting image of her mother, both in looks and character, whereas her sibling bears an uncanny resemblance to the father.
Which got me thinking.
How much of our bond is due to blood and genes, and how much is the connection from birth? Nature or nurture, as they say. Or we could go one step further and dip into the spiritual—how much of the bond is predestined? And what does the relationship we have with our mother mean to our lives?
No matter how much love exists between mothers and daughters, it’s not all plain sailing. Mother-daughter relationships can be complex and mercurial as the daughter develops from cherished baby into independent woman. Dynamics change. You can’t hold back time.
In fact, as they say, the only constant is change. Look at any mothers and daughters that you know, and you’ll probably be able to chart their ups and downs like a sailing boat on a choppy-sea graph. If we get to the final chapter on good and loving terms, then we’ve succeeded.
There can be many pitfalls along the way but, apart from the terrible twos, it generally starts in adolescence. Here are some obstacles we need to navigate along the way.
Clothes and Make-up
Even from an early age, most daughters will want to express their individuality through what they wear, and mothers will usually go along with it, from sparkling pink tutus to faded jeans.
But what happens when they’re entering puberty and want to express their sexuality, mimicking some influencers they see on social media? Many mothers aren’t happy about their daughters walking around town, heavily made up and scantily dressed. To the mother, her daughter is sending out the wrong signals and lacks the maturity to cope with any unwelcome attention. To the daughter, their mother is just being controlling.
Sexual Relationships
Once boys (or girls) come on the scene, mothers can become tricky. Of course, there could be concerns for religious reasons, but even if ‘saving oneself’ isn’t an issue, it can raise conflict.
Often mothers can’t bear to think of their innocent daughters going through the sexual act—never a good idea to even go there in your mind—and want to save their child from a traumatic experience. Also, the fear of pregnancy could be a consideration, although not so much these days, with easy access to contraception in most countries.
The daughter can read this barrier wrong, thinking that their mother is just being difficult holding her back. So, although the mother could be acting in her daughter’s best interests, there can often be a clash.
Jealousy
I know few mothers will want to consider that they may be a tiny bit jealous of their daughter. As their own looks fade, their daughter is blossoming. Add to this the fact that many older mothers will be entering their menopause, there can be even greater friction. One is stepping into womanhood while the other is transitioning to a new phase. Erratic hormones can add to a volatile mix!
“Thou art thy mother’s glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.”
William Shakespeare Sonnet 3
Partners
When your daughter settles with a partner or marries, mothers take on a new role of ‘mother-in-law’ which, in the days when comedians were allowed to make jokes, were often the butt of many a gag.
Any mother who loves her daughter will hope she finds a wonderful partner—in two ways. Firstly, she wants her daughter to be happy and secondly, she wants to have a good relationship with that partner for the sake of her mother-daughter bond. That way, the relationship can blossom even further. Sadly, it’s not always the case.
Grandchildren
Next to having your own daughter or son, the birth of a grandchild can be the sweetest joy. But it can also make the relationship more complex.
I think we only truly understand how much our parents love us when we, ourselves, have a child. That overwhelming feeling of love is hard to comprehend until we experience it firsthand. This can be like an epiphany to your daughter and your bond could be further cemented. But it’s not all roses.
Grandmothers often need to be careful how they tread. It’s all a bit Goldilocks. Your help will often be appreciated, but too many opinions and ‘guidance’ can be misread as being bossy or controlling. The early days can be more testy when the new mother is stressed by hormones and lack of sleep. It’s a beautiful but delicate time.
Do Mothers and Daughters really have an eternal bond?
When you consider all the obstacles that lie across the path of the mother-daughter relationship, it’s a miracle that we get there in the end. And where is the end? Relationships change all the time and may become fractured before the final finishing line. If they become bruised over time, it doesn’t mean that we’ve wasted the tender years. We should never go back retrospectively and taint a pure love just because we stumbled into a pothole along the way.
So like it or not, the relationship that mothers and daughters have – blood bound or adoptive – has got to be one of the closest relationships on earth. Undoubtedly, an eternal bond.
